So yesterday while I was working at the bookstore some girl came up with a barcode tattooed on her wrist. Of course, my first question to her was “Can I scan it?” I guess she had never had it scanned before and was pretty excited about it. She talked about how it was sentimental to her and stuff. I scanned it and she rang up as a bag of Jalapeño Cheetos. She then became livid and, of course, I was dying of laughter.
|Dumbledore:||The dark forest is strictly forbidden to all students
|Dumbledore:||Except for detention
|Dumbledore:||Where you will be forced to wander around when it's darkest and scariest
|Dumbledore:||Doesn't that make so much sense
|Dumbledore:||I'm so good at rules
|Dumbledore:||Ten points to Dumbledore
When I was 12, revealed to my mommy that I don’t believe in God. She looked at me wild-eyed and screamed, “So when you’re laying there dying on the hospital bed, who is going to save you?? SCIENTISTS?!”
And I said, “Yes, mommy, they’re called Doctors.”
yesterday in the car my mom said “theres always the one gay twin out of a pair” and my twin brother and I shot a glance at one another because we’re both the gay twin
in latin instead of saying “i love you” you don’t say anything because it’s a dead language. nothing. i think that’s beautiful. just shut the fuck up
(Source: oldspinster, via pizza)
my dad dropped out of school and lived in a treehouse for a year and i bring it up everytime he tries to give me advice for my future
what does cum taste like?
it’s kinda like a mixture between regret, disappointment, god’s anger and your mother’s tears